My miscarriage

I have had two pretty normal pregnancies so having a miscarriage was a big surprise to me.  I need to write everything down in hopes to remember it and so I can mourn my loss.

I found out I was pregnant on November 20th.  It was unexpected and definitely not planned.  We announced right away like we usually do.  My feelings are if I lose the pregnancy I would like the support of others to help me through.

I went to the doctor numerous times and my HCG levels were rising at a normal rate.  I did have an ultrasound the end of November but nothing could be detected.  We thought it was too early and it probably was.  Everything looked good so we scheduled a second ultrasound for December 20th in hopes to see our baby.

In December, I was very emotional because I wasn't ready for this baby.  I even told Nate I wish I weren't pregnant.  Now I feel guilty for the way I felt.  I was just overwhelmed with everything.  No I didn't cause it but still.  As the month went on I noticed my symptoms were very different with this pregnancy than any other.  I was extremely tired, nauseous but not to the point of throwing up, and got headaches all the time.  Not the symptoms I usually have.  I had a feeling something could of been wrong.

I went to my ultrasound on December 20th.  I got ready for my ultrasound.  My fears were confirmed.  No baby-- blighted ovum.  Basically it is when fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop.  It is actually pretty common.

Dr. Crouch (best OB ever) told me my options.  Wait and miscarry at home, take a pill to speed up the miscarriage at home, or schedule an D&C.  Emotionally I couldn't handle the first two options.  I decided on the D&C.  I was scheduled for the very next day.

I was so scared about my D&C but I had the very best hospital staff available.  My doctor, the nurses, and anesthesiologist were awesome and did everything to calm my fears.  I was put asleep for the surgery and only felt a little uncomfortable after I woke up.  I was given some Demerol which helped.

The physical recovery hasn't been bad at all.  I've had c-sections and this no where compares to the pain of a c-section but of course at least you get a baby out of that (most of the time).

Now the emotional recovery has been a bit harder.  I told myself it was okay because there never really was a baby.  Yes, that is true.  I still get emotional about it.  I feel that I was pregnant for 8 weeks for nothing.  I don't know how long I will mourn this loss or how long it is normal to feel sad about it.  I try to cry about it alone so people don't see how sad and disappointed I am.

I feel like I lost a piece of me...